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A popular political platform to stand on

first_img AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MOREWhicker: Clemson demonstrates that it’s tough to knock out the champ Mandate that the AOL guy who cheerily informs us “You’ve got mail!” record a depressed version for the numerous times it’s spam. Ease the foreclosure crisis by forcing banks to house a newly homeless person at every teller’s window that remains frustratingly unoccupied. That should at least scare the banks into opening up a few more windows. Give us more disposable income, freshen our breath, clean our gum-ravaged streets and reduce dependency on gum by demanding that the gum we are chewing get more mileage to the chew before losing its flavor. Reduce the life spans of those who shun walking a measly flight of stairs, while minimizing the stress and annoyance of elevator-interruptus, with mandatory jail time for one-floor riders. Mandate “failed date insurance.” It’s time the credit-card companies wiped off the restaurant bill that comes a month after the woman you were trying to woo over dinner never speaks to you again. In these cases, the restaurant didn’t work. As the presidential candidates run full steam ahead, many of us forget that some of that hot air comes in the form of assurances that are reflective of campaigning, not governing. A la Charlie Brown, we come leaping toward them every four years, only to watch them ultimately pull back on their pledges as predictably as Lucy pulls back the football. But we might as well enjoy the campaigning phase while we can. We’ve got them where we want them. After all, they’re still courting us. Plenty of time for the bloom to fall off the rose once we get into bed with them. So here’s my own personal wish list of issues they’ll never be able to affect, but it would be nice to hear them promise to try: Reduce the deficit and improve America’s deteriorating communication skills by promising to tax people every time they use the word “like,” except when used to connote desire or lack of desire, or replacing “akin to.” For example: “Like most Americans, I, like, don’t like being taxed.” The middle “like” would be taxed. The first and last “likes” wouldn’t be taxed. True, some people might be uninsurable, because of their dating histories. Credit-card companies could easily monitor all of this. If the restaurants on the bill are always fancy, that’s a red flag right there – signifying a lot of first dates, when you’re still trying to impress her. Declare germ warfare by encouraging bowing vs. hand shaking. Sign a bowing measure into law – and bow on it. If you still feel the need to press the flesh on the campaign trail, you can always try wringing the necks of your opponents. That might get my vote. Andy Cowan is a writer, producer and performer. His credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” Contact him through his Web site, anthrosop.tripod.com/hitchindemo/.160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!last_img

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